Some of these may be a repeat, but they are cute. (NOTE: For the younger readers - most of the people who made this quotes have passed on)
“Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”
--- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
“I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
---- Eleanor Roosevelt
“Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement”
--- Mark Twain
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible”
---George Burns
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
---Victor Borge
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
---Mark Twain
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.”
--- Socrates
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
--- Groucho Marx
“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
--- Jimmy Durante
“I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”
--- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.”
--- Alex Levine
“My luck is so bad that if, I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”
--- Rodney Dangerfield
“Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
--- Spike Milligan
“Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP”
--- Joe Namath
“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.”
--- Bob Hope
“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”
--- W. C. Fields
“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress”
--- Will Rogers
“Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
--- Winston Churchill
“Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty...But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.”
---Phyllis Diller
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.”
--- Billy Crystal
And finally
The cardiologist's diet: “If it tastes good - spit it out!”